Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Columbus Crisis: We Shall Not Be Moved

Ladies and Gentlemen of Crew Soccer Nation: These are the times that try our souls. The summer soldier and sunshine fan will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of city and club; but the fan who stands by the Crew now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.

El Luchador has seen a disturbing trend of our brothers and sisters in the struggle turning their backs on our Great Leader. As the results have not been there on the field, there are fans who are now calling for Coach Robert Warzycha to be sacked.

Let me be clear: This is not Buckeye Nation. This is not the French Foreign Legion. We do not call for the head of our commander when we are in the breach. This is the Crew Soccer Nation. We stand together, especially when times are tough.

We are Massive. We support Coach Warzycha, the Polish Rifle, Our Great Leader.

El Luchador condemns, in no uncertain terms, any statements that undermine our unity.

Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.

Columbus Till I Die!

From the Scioto to the Olentangy, from South Bloomfield to Delaware, from Reynoldsburg to West Jeff.

Till I die.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Mark McCullers Takes Cynical Capitalism to New Low

The Luchador returned from a trip to Cuba to attend last night's match versus the Quebecois, and he was confronted with another example of American capitalism run amok.

The economic injustice perpetrated against the Crew faithful last night is unacceptable. Yes, the Crew beat Montreal, and you can read about that elsewhere. Here, you will read the story of Mark McCullers and his merry band of robber barons exploiting the hard working people of Columbus.

It was a record crowd in large part because the Front Office had advertised it as "$1 Draft Night." This was subterfuge.

The Luchador and his entourage made their way to the upper deck, west and went to order a dollar beer. We were happy to see that there was no line. This is what we found:

Sodexo employees enjoy a good laugh about the $9 Bud drafts on "$1 draft night"
 "Wait a minute, we thought Mark McCullers advertised all week that we could get an ice cold Bud for $1?"

That's when we were informed of McCullers' cynical plan. "No,  if you want $1 draft, you have to go downstairs and stand in a Russian bread line and miss most of the game." That's not an exact quote, but the Sodexo employee said something to this effect.

As we stood in line and heard the crowd cheer Oduro's goal in the 6th minute, we watched as unhappy customer's walked off with two Dixie Cups of beer, one by one. A rumor began to spread that in fact there was a strict, two-cup limit. So, when the Luchador and his posse got to the front of the line, El Chupacabra had an idea. "I would like two ice cold Bud drafts, please," he politely asked the Sodexo employee. They accepted his Venezuelan passport as ID, and handed over the suds. El Chupacabra pounded both beers down and ordered two more.

"Sir, SIR!" a security goon stepped in. "You will have to go to the back of the line." Rosa Parks would be ashamed to see that this is the America we now live in.

At the half, we went back down for another two thimbles of American beer. This is what we were confronted with:

The McCullers Militia block hard-working fans from their $1 drafts.  
The Russian bread line was shut down promptly at the half, just when you need some refreshment. This was not $1 Draft Night. This was a crime against humanity.

This is like the Leslie E. Wexner Medical Center offering free testicular cancer screenings and then informing those who show up that they get the free screening only if they raise $1,000 biking to Athens with Lance Armstrong. In fact, this is exactly like that in every way.

We don't complain that beer's are $9 and that if you want to bring your family to the game you will have to chose between those $9 beers and the kids eating well the rest of the week because ticket prices are so outrageous. Just don't dangle the hope in front of us that maybe, just maybe, one night we might be able to get our drink on at a reasonable $1 price, and then crush our dreams with your trickery.

Mark McCullers, we of Crew Soccer Nation do hereby demand that you no longer perpetuate this lie on the good people of Columbus.